Conflict’s Greatest Lie

Conflict’s greatest lie is that it is not there at all.

On a recent training day I asked people to share a conflict they had experienced recently as an ice-breaker exercise.  One man proclaimed he did not do conflict and therefore had no conflict in his life.

During the lunch break he pulled me to one side and explained that in reality he felt under massive threat from an issue and that he was effectively paralysed by it.

Teams in organisations are just the same.  They maintain a veneer of happiness and working together.  But conflict will be there.

We need to stop seeing conflict as a threat and instead expect to encounter it. When we do so, then we enable debate and conflict discussions to take place… and when we have those discussions in a competent and mature way, then we can see real progress, discovery and growth emerging as a result.

“We don’t have conflict here”… Really?

Happy Team, Or Stepford Team?

Are happy teams a myth?

I have certainly worked in teams in organisations where everyone seems to work together well.  But scratching the surface soon destroys the illusion.

Unfortunately many happy teams are not happy teams at all.  They are more like the Stepford Wives – docile, submissive, unquestioning.

The myth of the happy team is often planted onto teams.  New recruits are quickly told “We’re a good team to work for… we all get on very well…” but that reassurance can become a burden.

It takes a great deal in these circumstances to raise a dissenting view – “If everyone is so enthusiastic about a project or direction, who am I to go and rock the boat?”

The most effective teams challenge, discuss and debate points, even though it feels uncomfortable.  They are able to do so not because they are unhappy teams, but because disagreement and being able to speak out are valued, even encouraged.

The Stepford Team analogy soon breaks down however.  In the Stepford Wives film, the wives’ docility and submissiveness is absolute.  Certainly the newcomer tries to rail against the happy veneer before succumbing, but the adapted wives themselves need no outlet.

Within Stepford teams, outlets are found underground.  Politicisation, gossip, intentional and non-intentional sabotage all take place.  Surely it would be better to have that dissent vocalised at the outset where it can play a constructive, rather than a destructive role within organisations.

The challenge then is what can you do to enable, permit and even encourage effective debate in your teams?

Conflict Lenses – Understanding Conflict In Organisations

Conversational Riffs is not one single conflict theory presented as a quick fix for everything.

Instead, Conversational Riffs is a vehicle carrying several approaches to conflict.  I refer to these as conflict lenses.

Using Lenses Enables Us To Understand Better

Our training offers a range of conflict lenses to delegates through which they can examine any given situation, whether conflict at work, or strained relationships, and try to make sense of it.  If one lens does not work, try another.  And another.

Where one lens might not be appropriate, another will be.

What is more, by using lenses we can develop such a rich understanding of the dispute at hand.

Take this picture for example.  The lens used in taking this shot enables us to focus closely on the subject, the wasp.  in doing so we gain a better understanding of it than we would have otherwise had.  And we find some quite surprising things.

This wasp is missing a leg for example.  We can see the construction of the wings, the beautiful markings on its thorax.  The wasp is seen in a new way that was previously alien to us, but the new perspective afforded to us by this zoomed in lens places the wasp more in its own context. We can see the texture of the surface and the play of light on its wings.

By observing through the lens the mystery of the wasp, and the fear it held for me before I photographed it, is diminished.  It becomes possible, fascinating even, to consider the scene in far greater depth.

Without the lens, I may well have been tempted to reach for the fly swat instead – a far less constructive response to the wasp, or to the conflict it might represent, but a typically reflexive and destructive one.

Sharing Feedback From Local Education Authority Conflict Training

Having recently attended a training course on Understanding Conflict delivered by Neil, I would warmly recommend him to any organisation that is looking to improve its relationships with clients or customers, or to just become more aware of how to obtain the best from interactions.

The course was well planned, with the objectives explained clearly at the outset, an interesting range of activities throughout the day, and a reasonable structure in terms of time, breaks, refreshments etc. Some of these were supported by visual depictions on flip-chart, which helped participants understand concepts, and a handout reinforced the learning. Activities involved moving about, working in pairs and different groups, and using simple equipment which nonetheless made things more interesting (e.g. different coloured pens, paper, daily newspapers, personality quiz). This variety meant that the day went quickly and enjoyably.

Throughout, Neil’s delivery was calm, relaxing, informal yet professional, which helps to reflect the ethos of the aims of the course, i.e., to deal with things and communicate sensibly, purposefully, in the most effective manner. The language and tone used was absolutely appropriate and clear, not condescending or ambiguous, and I know, from seeing Neil in other contexts, that he is easily able to adapt to different audiences and pitch it accurately.

The course was enlightening and enjoyable, and, through interactive methods, the group learned about the theory and cost of conflict, recognising the behaviours that we find ourselves and others displaying, why we should become curious to discover more about what the other party wants, how we can identify when conflict is evolving and how we can move towards a narrative approach as opposed to a blame model. We are considering how to extend this to our wider staff body, in Additional Learning Needs, and as a parent governor, I feel that this would be extremely useful in primary schools generally. I found it personally and professionally refreshing and stimulating, and believe that everybody could benefit from such a course, and a discussion with Neil as to how learning such as this can help them and their workplace.

Fiona Gordon, Pilot Project Co-ordinator, Inclusion Service, Bridgend County Borough Council.

Conversational Riffs Training In Schools

Schools play a central and priviledged role in the centre of their communities.  For many people the school is the hub of relationships between families, and between parents and teachers.  As a result it is always a great pleasure to work in schools providing conflict management and resolution skills whether for the teachers, children or the parents.

A particular highlight of this work is the involvement in piloting new training programs in South Wales.  Here, Conversational Riffs are designing a range of training resources to be accessed by schools, LEAs and parent groups. The goal is nothing short of transforming relationships within and through the school.

Conversational Riffs are soon to be featured by the Social and Emotional Aspects of Learning syllabus, not as an additional module, or a new initiative, but rather as a way of putting into practice those approaches that are already within the curriculum.

If you would like to discuss Conversational Riffs training as an inset option for your school, or board of governors then contact us today on 07815 727693 and see how we can make your team more effective.

What Are Conversational Riffs?

Conflict in and out of the workplace often goes unmentioned for fear of how people will react.

When we eventually address the problem we do so in ways that damage relationships with our colleagues, clients and friends.

Conversational Riffs will enable you to:

• Deal with conflict better
• Raise difficult issues in a way that ensures the tough stuff gets sorted
• Put an end to arguments that go round and round and never get resolved
• Feel more confident even when you feel under attack

Revolutionise communications, feedback and problem solving in your organisation or home with Conversational Riffs.

Neil Denny is a sought-after speaker, trainer and author on conflict dynamics and resolution.

He is recognised by peers as “An inspirational man with an extraordinary gift in creative conflict resolution.”

Neil has also been a practicing family lawyer for 10 years and is trained in the Collaborative Law model.

Learn More About Conversational Riffs and Conflict Resolution On BlogTalkRadio

I am pleased to have been booked to speak with Pattie Porter on her conflict resolution radio show.  We willl be exploring Conversational Riffs and how they can help relationships at home and in the workplace.

For us Brits, we can all look forward to getting up at 1am in the morning on the 21st April to listen in live, or the show will be available for streaming after the event.

I hope you can join us.  See you there.

Conversational Riffs Presents to Welsh Assembly and Education Authorities

I had the priviledge of presenting to the Welsh Assembly and 22 education authorities this week on SEN and ALN cases.

Together we explored the role of training on conflict awareness, as opposed to conflict resolution. We were particularly looking at conflict arising in special and additional learning needs cases.

The premise was that by elevating everyone’s awareness of conflict dynamics we can manage difficult conversations better. We will still have disagreements but by giving everyone communication tools we can avoid those problems escalating.

The suggestion was well received and Conversational Riffs are commissioned to run pilot schemes over the coming weeks.

Conversational Riffs Sells Out At Resolution National Conference

It was a real joy to present to my family law colleagues at the Resolution National Conference this weekend.

I was presenting alongside leading collaborative lawyers James Pirrie, William Hogg and others at the popular, and unique, Sunday morning slot.

We explored how practitioners need to be more alert as to the clients’ needs and where the value is to be found in the work that we, as professionals, do with our clients.

Conversational Riffs was introduced as an example of distilling some of the communication skills that we learn within collaborative law and mediation training.  I went on to explain that we should do more to transfer some of these skills to our clients as we work with them.

The result is that our clients grow and develop even as they pass through the resolution of their current conflict.

The talk was very well received and the book sold well with all copies being snapped up at the end.  I look forward to receiving feedback shortly.

The greatest joy about Sunday was that for a while I had forced myself to keep Conversational Riffs out of the family law domain.  It was necessary to establish Conversational Riffs as a communication model that was more broadly applicable than just being a family law thing.

Conversational Riffs has now got such a momentum and recognition in its own right, that I can now loop it back into this area.

To all of those who attended our slot at the Resolution National Conference – thank you for making the effort, and thank you for very warm support!

What Has Peace Got To Do With Conflict Management?

Last week I had the real pleasure of attending a course run by Forrest (Woody) Mosten on developing a collaborative law practice – I am a consultant collaborative divorce lawyer as well as a writer and trainer.

Forrest suggested that we should strive to make “Peacemaking” our full time occupation.  Now, Forrest is savvy enough to know that us Brits bristle at that kind of language.  He’s been round the block a few too many times to be surprised by the barely muted sharp intake of breath.

But he raises a fair point.  Are we, within conflict management, peacemakers?

My gut feeling is that we are not.  In all the years I have worked in conflict resolution and law, I have very rarely, if ever, used the word “Peace.”

That is partly my English reserve, after all, peace is such a big word, it feels like an unattainable ideal.

Secondly, I am still scarred by sharing the same name as the hippy in “The Young Ones.”

picture courtesy of BBC

You say the word “Peace” and I regress to the corridors of my secondary comprehensive school and the inevitable teasing I had to endure every week.

My more considered response is that I do not see that the making of peace is the goal of conflict management.  To me conflict management is having an awareness, and a toolset, to enable us to manage those disagremeents that arise from time to time.

The disagreements themselves are not to be negated, or eliminated.  Indeed, one of the biggest problems with conflict is that we don’t spend enough time to understand what is driving it.

If we strive to “make the peace”  or “keep the peace” then we risk shutting down those valuable conversations which can otherwise arise out of difficult situations.

Very often the problem is not that we have too much conflict, rather we have too much peace.  We need to permit conflict to rise to the surface but we also need to have the conflict resolution skills to respond to it when it does.